After Syrian president Bashar
al-Assad attacked his own people with chemical weapons last week,
the world has been waiting to see if President Trump would
respond with military action. And because this is a decision that could lead
to an all-out war, the president announced
his decision with all the gravitas
it demanded. -
-President Trump is up and firing off tweets
about the situation in Syria. NEWSMAN:
"Russia vows to shoot down "any and all missiles
fired at Syria.
"Get ready, Russia,
because they will be coming, nice and new and 'smart!'" It's hard
to see how this is anything but the president of the United
States declaring war on Twitter. I feel like we joked about this,
and now it's become real, 'cause when Trump got elected,
we were like, "He's gonna start a war
on Twitter." (Laughing) And then, before he got elected,
we were like, "He's gonna become president."
(Laughing) Yeah, it turns out every joke
about Trump is just a headline that hasn't happened yet. And, also,
why does Trump tweet so weird? "These missiles are nice
and new and smart"? It sounds like he's trying to
fix them up with the missiles. (Laughter) It's like he's saying
to the Russians, "Look, I know
you don't like blind dates, "but these missiles-- they're
really nice, really smart.
"Just come. No pressure. It's just a lunch. Come on." (Laughter) And now
a lot of people have pointed out that Trump used
to mock President Obama for telegraphing his military
decisions in advance, and now he's doing
the exact same thing.
But, I mean,
let's be honest, at this point, Trump's hypocrisy
is so unsurprising, it's not even fun anymore. Like, you see it coming. It happens and you go, "Yup."
You know? It's like someone handed you one
of those novelty cans of nuts with the snake inside,
but it was actually labeled, "Novelty Can of Nuts
with Snake Inside." It was like, "Surprise." Now, look, we could talk about how Trump isn't even
seeking approval from Congress to go against war against Assad, and how Congress also
doesn't seem to care anymore, but we don't have time
to get into that, because Trump is also thinking
about launching another attack right here on American soil. CNN also learning President Trump and his team
have been talking about how to get rid
of Mueller for months.
NEWSMAN: Monday night,
President Trump suggested he may fire
Special Counsel Mueller, and on Tuesday, White House press secretary
Sarah Sanders said Mr. Trump believes
he has that authority. We've been advised
that the president, uh, certainly has the power
to make that decision. Okay, hold up, hold up.
The White House always says that Trump doesn't plan
to fire Robert Mueller. So why are you checking
on something that you don't want to do? It's like seeing
your coworker Googling, "How to dissolve
my officemate's dead body." (Laughter) Like, he can tell you
he's not planning something, but you probably want to move. (Laughter) Because, look,
we all know, we all know that Trump has been slowly
working up to firing Mueller
for a long, long time. You know, it's like
he's been tantric firing him.
You know, he's letting it all
build up and build up, and then one day, he's gonna
be like, "You're fired! Ah!" (Laughter) "Oh, my God, finally! "Here's $130,000. Don't tell anyone about this." (Laughter, groaning) And now, now, because of Trump's
comments and Sarah Sanders, we have to ask ourselves
if Trump is also thinking about firing Rod Rosenstein,
or Jeff Sessions, or Gary Busey,
just for old time's sake. But we don't really have
the time for that, because in the middle
of all this news, this crazy story popped up. NEWSWOMAN: Former House Speaker
John Boehner is joining the board of advisers for a marijuana company
called Acreage Holdings.
It is one of the largest multistate marijuana
corporations in the country. Boehner, a Republican, went on
the record nine years ago, saying he was opposed
to legalizing pot, but now he says his attitude
towards it has changed, like that of many Americans
out there. It's funny how going
from Congress, though, to selling drugs is somehow
more respectable. You know, like, now people
are gonna be like, "What's Boehner doing
since he left Congress? "I heard he sells weed now.
"Oh, that's wonderful. It's nice he's finally
helping people." Now, normally,
John Boehner pushing Kush would be the day's biggest news about a House speaker's
career plans, but again, today we don't
have time for that. Because there's also big news
from the current speaker. Also breaking this morning,
House Speaker Paul Ryan will not run for re-election
in November.
He is the 23rd Republican
to announce their retirement. This year will be my last one
as a member of the House. It's been a wild ride, but it's been a journey
well worth taking to be able to do my part to strengthening
the American idea. Oh.
He sounds like
it's his last day at camp. "It's been a wild ride, "so many fun memories
with my friends, "like the time
I tried to take away "poor children's health care.
Mah. "And swimming by the lake. Best summer ever.
Ah." Yes, Paul Ryan,
top-ranking congressman and guy at the gym who eye-bangs
himself in the mirror, is stepping down, and then stepping back up,
and then stepping down. I guess it's legs day. Uh, and this,
this is a big deal. It really is a big deal,
all right.
Even though Paul Ryan
looks young enough to play Spider-Man,
you've got to remember that he's actually been
in Congress since 1999. Yeah. That was so long ago, Britney Spears hadn't even
done it again yet. Yeah.
She'd only done it
one time. And remember, we all thought
that would be the only time. We were so naive back then. Now, other than pretending
that he was upset about stuff
President Trump said, the thing that Paul Ryan
was most famous for was his deep, sincere concern
about America's national debt.
We are fiscal conservatives. What that means
is we believe government should not live beyond
its means. The debt is projected to grow
to truly catastrophic levels in the near future, leading to
an economic collapse and a diminished future. Bringing our deficit up
to a trillion dollars will only serve
to actually weaken the dollar.
I don't know what it would take
for a person to completely sell out the will
of the American people, sell out the federal budget, sell out our children
and grandchildren. What on earth could you be given in legislation
to make you vote for that? Uh... Tax cuts? (Bell ringing) Oh, I got it right. -I got it right.
-(Cheers and applause) Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah, because, you see,
after eight years of blaming President Obama for the ballooning
national debt, last year, when the Republicans took over the entire government under the leadership
of Paul Ryan, here's what they did: The two biggest achievements
for me are, first, the major reform of our tax code for the first time in 36 years, which has already been a huge
success for this country, and that's something I've been
working on my entire adult life. New forecasts say the U.S.
Budget deficit will balloon
in the next few years, largely thanks
to the Republican tax cuts. TV REPORTER:
The CBO says it will hit a trillion dollars by 2020.
Yeah. It turns out,
after two decades of claiming to be all about
fiscal discipline, Paul Ryan exploded the deficit
with his tax cuts and then just walks away. You know what this feels like? It's like you're walking
in the desert with someone, and every time you take a sip
of the water, he's like, "Hey, hey, hey.
Don't waste the water. Dude, dude, not so much,
slow down, slow down.
And you're like, "Okay, fine. Why don't you hold
the canister?" And he takes it
and then he's like, "Wet T-shirt contest. "Whoo! "Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! "Ah! Whoo! Ah! Ah! Whoo!" It's like, "All right, uh,
now that the water is done, I'm retiring from the desert.
Good-bye. Good-bye, everybody." Yeah, but I mean, look, come on,
come on.
Let's not be haters. What's a few trillion dollars
between friends, right? Just because Paul Ryan turned
out to be a complete fraud, doesn't mean we can't give him
the send-off that he deserves. Paul Ryan is leaving us, folks, so let's pour out a 40. 40 Grams of protein, of course.
Yeah. Just for him. The way he would like it. (Cheers and applause) Just for you, Paul.
Oh, and-and, don't worry, just-just like Paul Ryan's
deficit, someone else is gonna have
to clean this up..
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