This weekend's
March for Our Lives may have been the biggest news
in terms of quality, but when it comes
to news quantity, nobody beats President Trump. And over the span
of the weekend, Trump made so much news happen that we don't have the time
to cover it all. Luckily, not enough time
is the perfect amount of time for our recurring segment Ain't Nobody Got Time for That:
Trump Edition. -
-(Cheering and applause) All right, let's start
with the big news of the day.
Trump is getting tough
on Russia. President Trump
ordering the expulsion of 60 Russian diplomats the United States has identified
as intelligence officers. Plus, he's closing the Russian consulate
in Seattle. The White House says
the move comes in response to the nerve agent attack on a former Russian spy
and his daughter in the U.K.
Dozens of Russian diplomats
have been expelled. They will have, by the way, about one week
to get out of this country. One week? That's not a lot of time
to cram all your poisonings in. Yeah, I mean,
now with this deadline, Russians are gonna be
running around like perfume salespeople
at Macy's.
Just gonna be like,
"You're dead. You're dead. "You're dead.
You're dead. You're dead.
Nerve Gas by Kremlin." (Laughter) You know why Trump probably
did this, though, right? Someone told him. They're like,
"Sir, if you sign this, everyone working for Russia
has to leave the U.S." And he was like, "Yay, I'm free! Putin, I'm coming home, baby!" It's like, "No, not you, sir." "Oh, damn it. Stuck." Oh, and before
he kicked out the Russians, Trump also got rid of
his national security advisor, H.R. McMaster, and replaced him with elderly Lorax John Bolton.
Now, for many people,
for many people, Bolton taking over for McMaster
is terrifying, because unlike McMaster, Bolton is horny for war
with North Korea and Iran, and he's one
of the very few people left who still thinks
the Iraq War was a good idea. Yeah. So, now, w-we could talk about how Bolton's policies
could throw America into a never-ending spiral
of unwinnable wars, but we don't really have
the time, because thanks
to another Trump decision, America is actually
gonna have fewer troops. President Trump
has issued an order banning transgender people
from serving in the military except under
"limited circumstances." You know, I'm not gonna lie.
I really don't understand
this decision. I mean, if you're looking
for brave people to join the military, you don't have to look
any further than trans people. Like, you think it takes guts
to fight in Syria? Try being trans and walking
into a restroom in Alabama. That's bravery, my friends.
That's bravery.
(Cheering and applause) So, so, in the span
of a weekend, transgender soldiers
and Russians are out, Colonel Mustache is in. And if that wasn't enough, Donald Trump
kept the government open, but he wasn't happy about it. President Trump signing
that $1.3 Trillion spending bill after threatening to veto because his border wall
wasn't fully funded and there was no fix,
he said, for DACA. The president signing
what was a monster piece of legislation, reluctantly.
There are some things
that we should have in the bill. But I say to Congress, I will never sign
another bill like this again. I'm not gonna do it again. Aw.
Sucks when people
make you do something you don't want to do, Donald.
Aw. It's funny how Trump sold
himself as the best dealmaker of all time,
but he's being forced to sign a deal
that he doesn't like. Yeah, and his big threat
is that he won't do it again. Yeah.
I guess
that's the kind of negotiating that left him stuck with
Eric and Don Jr. In the divorce. Is that what happened? "All right, fine. I'll take
those little weirdos this time, but, next divorce,
I'm standing my ground!" Now, unfortunately,
we don't have the time to talk about how Trump promised
to cut the deficit but instead has spent money
like Lil Wayne at an out-of-network dentist, because the Trump news that's
been swallowing everything this weekend happened
when the star of your sex dreams sat down with Stormy Daniels to discuss her alleged affair
with Donald Trump.
And, my friends, it was creepy. -You had sex with him?
-Yes. It started off, uh,
all about him. Just talking about himself.
And he's like, uh, "Have you seen my new magazine?" And I was like, "Someone
should take that magazine and spank you with it."
And I was like, "Turn around.
Drop 'em." And I just gave him
a couple swats. This was done
in a j-joking manner? Yes. And, uh,
from that moment on, he was
a completely different person. -How so?
-He quit talking about himself and he asked me things
and I asked him things and it just became, like,
you know, more appropriate.
Ew. Donald Trump likes
to be spanked? I did not need to know that. And you know
what makes it weirder is that, when he's spanked, he becomes a
nice guy and starts opening up. You know Bob Mueller is watching
this interview, right? You know that.
And now he's gonna walk into the interrogation room
with a rolled-up magazine, like, "Okay, Donald,
time to talk about Russia." (Cheering and applause) Donald's gonna be like,
"It started with-- ow-- "a meeting-- ow-- "at Trump Tow-- ow! I've been a bad boy.".
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