Michael Cohen, President Trump's
personal lawyer and VIP customer
at Joseph A. Bank. Yesterday, thanks to the FBI, he had a really, really bad day. Let's start with those dramatic
raids on the office and home of President Trump's personal
attorney Michael Cohen.
The referral from Special
Counsel Robert Mueller led to these search warrants
targeting Michael Cohen. And investigators found e-mails,
financial documents and some client communications possibly involving
President Trump. We're told that Cohen
is under investigation for possible bank fraud,
campaign finance violations and other potential crimes
connected to the 2016 election. Man, I'm sorry,
but this is just ridiculous.
Even Trump's lawyer
is being investigated? Like, how corrupt is your circle if your lawyer uses his
one phone call to call you? (Laughter) It seems like everyone in
Trump's world is corrupt. Like, I bet even when he goes
to confession he's, like, (mimics Trump): "Forgive me
father, for I have sinned." (Normal voice):
And his priest is like, "Yo. "You should hear the shit
I've been getting into. Just wait until I tell you." I'm just kidding, Trump doesn't
know about church.
Now, uh... Now, anytime the FBI raids
a lawyer's office, it's a really, really big deal. But it's an even bigger deal when that lawyer's
Michael Cohen, because to President Trump, he's more than just a lawyer. COHEN:
My job is, I protect Mr.
Trump. That's what it is. If there's an issue
that relates to Mr. Trump that, um, is of concern to him, it's, of course, concern to me, and I will use my legal skills
within which to protect Mr.
Trump
to the best of my ability. NEWSWOMAN:
At the Trump Organization, he's done a bit of everything: running
a mixed martial arts company, securing real estate
branding deals, and even taking care
of transportation. You know,
the famous Trump plane, there was an engine issue
that he actually took care of and got a really good deal on. Yeah, just what you want
in an airplane, a discount engine.
You're gonna be crashing like,
"Oh, we're gonna die! "But at a greatly reduced rate! So much savings!" But yeah, basically,
Michael Cohen is Trump's go-to guy
for everything. So if Trump has ever done
anything shady-- which I know sounds ridiculous, but stick with me here,
stick with me here-- this FBI raid
has a good chance of finding it, which is why yesterday President Baby
got a little cranky. So, I just heard
that they broke into the office of one of my personal attorneys. Good man, and, uh,
it's a disgraceful situation.
It's a total witch hunt. It's an attack on our country,
in a true sense. It's an attack
on what we all stand for. That's right, it's an attack
on what we all stand for.
You know, the American ideals
of life, liberty, and the pursuit of having a
lawyer pay off your side chick. (Laughter) Now, i-in Trump world, what's happening here
is a giant conspiracy, right? It's Robert Mueller
trying to take Trump down for political reasons. The only issue
with that argument is that the conspiracy
would have to involve every single person
in law enforcement. Explain how many hoops
they had to go through to get this raid
of Michael Cohen's office? Robert Mueller
did not make this decision.
It seems he came upon, um, some sort
of potential criminal activity. He then hands it off effectively to Rod Rosenstein, who's
the deputy attorney general. Says, "Look, we found this. You decide what to do with it." Rod Rosenstein
then makes a referral, meaning basically says to the Southern District
of New York, "Look, here's what we've got.
You decide what to do
with this." Then the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District
of New York makes a decision to then seek out
a search warrant. A judge then signs off on it. The standard for a judge
to sign off on this is high.
Okay, that doesn't sound
like a witch hunt to me, because witch hunts
were really simple, right? Back then it was just like,
"She shrank my penis! Burn her at the stake!" That's pretty much
all you needed. Like, it's just, like,
what we're hearing here is way too much legal procedure to be considered a witch hunt. Like, if people in Salem
had this kind of due process, they would have never
burned anyone. Like, no one would have died.
It would be like,
"She shrank my penis! Let's burn her at the stake!" "All right, all right.
But first, you must fill out
this official complaint." "Okay, and then we'll burn her!" "No, no, wait, wait.
Then we have to see "what the witnesses
in this case say, "and we have to see how big your penis
originally used to be." "W-What was that?"
"Yeah, we need to know how big your penis
actually was." "Well, y-you know what?
Forget it, man. I just, uh... "I actually made up
the witch thing "because Hester
wouldn't let me smash. I'm gonna tell the truth." And look, man,
you can tell that this raid has got Trump rattled,
because this morning, the president tweeted this.
The president
went to bed fuming, and he woke up ranting. This morning
the president wrote this: "Attorney-client privilege
is dead!" (Laughs) I'm sorry,
just the way they said it. "He went to bed ranting
and woke up fuming." It's just like, he was like...
(Groaning) (screaming) Like, poor Trump. I imagine him
in bed this morning, just tears
streaming down his face, like, "No! "My attorney-client privilege
is dead! "At least I've still got you,
white privilege.
"Don't ever leave me. Don't ever leave me!" (Cheering and applause) Now, look, look, the fact is, attorney-client privilege
doesn't apply when prosecutors have
probable cause to believe that you and your lawyer were
committing a crime together. It doesn't work. So I think it's pretty clear that Trump is probably
just shouting out legal terms that he's heard on Law & Order.
Tomorrow, he'll be like, "Objection!
Double jeopardy, Your Honor. Habeas corpus!".
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