Today, there was yet another
resignation. I know, shocking, shocking. Chief Economic Advisor
Gary Cohen quit today. Yeah.
So I think, at this point,
the White House staff is just John Kelly
and a fax machine that Jared isn't allowed to use. You know that right now the
White House has lost so many people, like, every week
somebody's leaving. And, like,
forget the White House. If an Applebee's lost
this many people, I'd think twice about
eating there.
I'd be like, "Something's going on.
Something's going on." But let's move on.
Let's move on. If you ever worked
with Donald Trump, there are two things that
terrify you. Sponge bath Thursdays, and Special Counsel
Robert Mueller, because for Trump
and his people, Robert Mueller is a daytime
horror movie, you know? He's methodically picking off
your friends one by one. But only from nine to five.
And yesterday,
we were introduced to Mueller's latest victim: a former Trump aide by the name
of Sam Nunberg, who was so freaked out when he
got a subpoena from Mueller, that he went on
national television and lost his goddamn mind. TV REPORTER: During a whirlwind
tour on cable news, former Trump campaign aide
Sam Nunberg insisted he would defy a
grand jury subpoena from Special Counsel
Robert Mueller. TV REPORTER: It unfolded live
during several hours of rambling and breathless
interviews on television. Why do I have to hand over
all my e-mails to-to a federal investigator? It's not fair.
It's really not fair.
They're not gonna send me
to jail. You know what, Mr. Mueller,
if he wants to send me to jail, he can send me to jail,
and then I'll, uh, and then I'll laugh about it. (Laughter) I've never seen anyone abandon a
threat midway through.
"I swear to God, if you punch
me, it's gonna hurt my face." (Laughter) Now, if you've never heard of
Sam Nunberg before, he was an early aide to
Donald Trump, who was hired, and fired, and, uh-- Oh,
and then he was fired again, this time for using the n-word
on Facebook. Yeah. Which is shocking to me that
someone got fired from the Trump campaign for
being racist. Like, I thought they hired
people based on that.
"It says here on your resume
the n-word. So when can you start?" So yesterday, Nunberg decided
to go on TV, and tell everyone
that he was not a snitch. And then he started snitching. I know Bob Mueller; I know, I know that whole team, and they-- and they're right, and they probably have something
on Trump.
Trump did something pretty bad. Look, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, crooks, they were crooks. I think Carter Page colluded
with the Russians. Sara Huckabee is a terrible
press officer.
Trump is the most disloyal
person you're ever gonna meet. I mean, do you know the way I've
been treated by Donald Trump? I mean, I hate the guy. Do you think I was talking to
Corey and Hope Hicks, I mean, while they were having
their affair? Damn. Damn.
You know, I know the stereotype
is that women gossip, but every man
who works for Trump keeps proving that
stereotype wrong. Think about it. Scaramucci,
Bannon, and now Nunberg. These guys
are like human WikiLeaks.
The women, though,
they keep their shit on lock. Like, Kellyanne Conway
never snitches. Yeah. You actually leave
interviews with her knowing less
than when you started.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders--
Fort Knox. Hope Hicks?
She was communications director, and we never
even heard her speak. Now you understand.
There's a reason Black Panther rolls like this: women don't snitch. Yeah.
Think about it. Think about it. Two years later, we're still looking
for Hillary's e-mails, huh? Still. I see you, girl.
I see you. (Laughter and applause) The guys are all here. Because unlike Trump's women, Sam Nunberg
is the complete opposite. He spent the entire day blabbing
to any show that would have him.
He was on MSNBC. He was on NY1. He went on three different
CNN shows. He was so eager to dish that somehow he even ended up
on The Bachelor.
I wanted Trump to lose. I didn't care if Trump lost. I thought it would be funny. I don't even know what to say.
Yeah. And that wasn't even
the craziest thing about last night's episode. #TeamBecca. Uh...
Now, even for a Trump associate, Nunberg's appearances were
extremely erratic yesterday. You know, he was like if Fergie's national anthem
was a person. In fact, it got so bad that one of the hosts on MSNBC. Brought out a lawyer to try and help him on live TV.
And look at his face.
Look at his face when the reality
of the situation sinks in. I think your family
wants you home for Thanksgiving, and I hope you will testify. Isn't this ridiculous? No, it's not ridiculous, Sam. -I-Is it November? November?
-It is so not ridiculous.
You'd rather spend
possibly a year in jail -than 80 hours going through
e-mails? -Me? I'm not going... I'm not going to jail.
Do you think I'm going to jail? Sam Nunberg, Maya Wiley,
Barbara McQuade, thank you for... (Laughter and applause) That's the face of someone who
suddenly realizes he's screwed. He's like,
"I'm not going to jail.
"Oh, wait, I'm going to jail. I don't want
to drink toilet wine." And so, after five hours, after five hours of giving
interview after interview about how he would never
cooperate with Mueller, something clicked, and by the end of the night, Nunberg was singing
a completely different tune. You know what I was thinking
about today, by the way? -Hmm?
-I was thinking to save time-- I've been advised against this-- maybe I'll just give them
my password. My e-mail password.
'Cause why do I have to go...
So then you're gonna comply?
(Chuckles) Then I would comply, yes. Wow. So, after five hours
of a verbal car chase, it just ended with Nunberg
offering Mueller his password. Yeah.
Which-- let's be honest--
there's an 80% chance it's either "password123"
or "nunberg69." It's one of the two.
One of the two. And I'm sure
that Mueller appreciates that Nunberg might finally
be willing to cooperate, but I'm not sure
it's necessary anymore. Like, Nunberg's gonna walk
into Mueller's office and be like, "Okay, let's do it.
I'm ready to testify." And Mueller will be like,
"No, don't worry about it. "I have it all on my DVR.
You can go home, man.
You can go home.".
No comments:
Post a Comment