Even though it's,
uh, only Monday, there seems to be more news than
we have the time to get through in a single show.
So we won't try. Good night, everybody. Uh, no, I'm-I'm just joking.
I'm just joking. You know, whenever
we're overwhelmed by news, we handle it
in a segment we call Ain't Nobody Got Time For That.
-
-(Cheering, applause) All right, there's no time,
so let's get straight into it. You know that cool trip
you were taking to Cuba? Computer says no. President Trump took steps
to roll back some parts of the Obama administration's
opening to Cuba. REPORTER:<i> Halting the flow
of U.S.
Dollars</i> <i> to the communist government.</I> <i> The new policy
bans transactions</i> <i> with enterprises
including hotels</i> <i> and other
tourist-related businesses</i> <i> ultimately owned
by the Cuban military.</I> Simply booking your spring break will be harder
under this policy. That's right. The people
hardest hit by this policy will be spring breakers. Always in our thoughts.
Always in our thoughts.
You know who's
probably loving this? The one friend of yours who
always takes trip insurance. Now he's like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
who was wasting their money? "Aw, yeah. Yeah." Still a waste, you nerd. Now, uh, the reason
Trump is rolling back this diplomatic opening
is because he's fulfilling a campaign promise he made
to Marco Rubio and to his south Florida
constituents, many of whom are Cuban.
And also because it's the exact opposite thing
that Obama did.
Which, let's be honest,
is basically Donald Trump's presidency--
it's a series of "control Zs" punctuated by golf weekend. That's all it is.
That's all it is. Every single thing... -Is just anti-Obama.
-(Cheering, applause) In fact...
In fact,
he's so anti-Obama he's probably resubscribing
to every spam list Obama unsubscribed from.
He's just sitting there, like, "Yes, I would like
more information about Groupon, thank you." Oh, oh, and by the way--
you know how most politicians learn a bit of Spanish
to try and ingratiate themselves to the crowd? Well,
uh, the president was like, "Forget that,
everyone speaks Trump." I am so thrilled to be back here with all of my friends... (Cuban accent):
in Little Havana. And for Cuba. Santiago de Cuba.
You know Santiago, ya? Ya? I don't think
that's Spanish. Ya. Santiago, ya? Damn. Like, all of those
impersonations.
You know what, that makes me
scared of the day he has to give a speech
in China. Just, like, looking
at the people, like, "Oh..." Now, if we had time, we would be talking
about why the U.S. Would be going back to a policy
that was clearly not working and didn't help
the Cuban people at all. But, unfortunately...
(Speaking Spanish) Because the president
is under investigation. Isn't. President Trump
is now back at the White House and once again under fire. After he sent this tweet
saying he is being investigated, now his legal team
is making the rounds with this contradiction.
The president has not been
and is not under investigation. Let me be clear, the president
is not under investigation. But the attempts
to correct the record leading to more confusion. And now he's being investigated
by the Department of Justice.
So he's being investigated for taking the action
that the Attorney General... The Deputy Attorney General
recommended him to take by the agency
who recommended the termination. You've now said
that he is being investigated -after saying that you didn't...
-No. -You just said, sir, tha...
-No,
he's not being investigated. So, I do not appreciate
you putting words in my mouth when I've been crystal clear
that the president is not and has not been
under investigation. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Donald Trump would be better off
defending himself. If that's your lawyer...
(Cheers and applause) He would be better off
defending himself. You know, unfortunately, we just don't have the time
to enjoy this magical moment. I mean, we do have the time,
but we don't have the time. I-I never said
we do have the time.
Don't put words many my mouth. Anyway, let's move on. Because, honestly, there is
something we have to talk about. I mean, it's good
to get the jokes out so that we can relax
and laugh about it, but there is one thing
I want us to talk about today, and that is the verdict
that just came in on Friday.
All right? On the police officer who shot and killed
Philando Castile. Now, you probably
remember the story because his girlfriend,
Diamond Reynolds, streamed it on Facebook Live. All right? And the officer
went to trial for manslaughter, and on Friday,
the jury reached a decision. A verdict in a case
that caused national outrage.
Tonight a police officer
acquitted on all charges in the shooting death
of a black man after a traffic stop. A Minnesota jury
acquitting the officer who fatally shot
Philando Castile moments before
this infamous video was live streamed on Facebook by
his girlfriend. Every time I watch that video, the question
I ask myself is "How?" Just how? How does a black person not get shot in America? 'Cause if you think about it,
the bar is always moving. The goalposts
are always shifting.
There's always a different thing that explains
why a person got shot. Oh, the person
was wearing a hoodie. Oh, the person was running away
from the police. Oh, no, the person
was going towards the police.
Oh, no, the person
was running around at night. Oh, no, the person
had an illegal firearm. The person
didn't have a firearm. But at some point, you realize there's no real answer.
Right? And you see this video, and then you see the verdict,
and you go, "How?" And th-there've been a lot
of these shootings, right? W-We talk about this a lot. So many things to say. Racism, classism,
you know, systemic violence in a police force
that oppresses people. But...
But this story
is interesting because there's
something different. And that is Philando Castile wasn't just a man
shot at a traffic stop. He was a legal gun owner whose family was in the car and who had committed
no crime at all. In a story of a man being shot because he was lawfully armed, you would think that one group, one powerful group in America would say something about it.
This one group
that you would expect to be losing
their goddamn minds about this: the NRA. But, for some strange reason,
on this particular case, they've been completely silent. Completely silent. And yet,
according to their rhetoric, this is everything
that they stand against, right? An officer of the state
depriving a citizen of his life because he was legally
carrying a firearm? I mean, listen to how vocal
and fired up the NRA gets when nothing has happened.
There is no greater freedom than the right to survive
and protect our families with all the rifles, shotguns and handguns we want. Unless you're black... Is what he should have said. Like, i-it's interesting how the people
who define themselves by one fundamental
American right-- the right to bear arms-- show that once race is involved, the only right
that they believe in is their right to remain silent..
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