By now, we all know
the tragic story of the Parkland, Florida
shooting. A 19-year-old who had purchased
multiple weapons walked into his high school
that he was expelled from and shot and killed
17 students and teachers. And even though these shootings are happening
more and more frequently, I refuse to get used to it. I also refuse to accept the idea
that nothing can be done.
And look, my first instinct--
I'm gonna be honest-- my first instinct is to talk
about limiting guns, but-but I'm an idiot. I get it. You know, yeah, in my dumb mind, I keep thinking
that gun violence is somehow related to guns. Haven't quite
figured it out yet.
But the one thing
I am sure about is that a lot of people
in America think that after a shooting, that is not the time
to talk about guns. Yeah, apparently
it's way too soon. You see, there needs
to be a waiting period before you can just
get a gun conversation going. It's a lot more responsible.
And now, if-if you told someone that they had to solve
gun violence but they couldn't talk
about guns, most people would be like,
"Well, then, there's nothing I can do." But most people
are not Fox News. Because over the last few days,
Fox showed us that once you remove
the obvious solution, you have no choice
but to get creative. We need to protect kids, and that means we've got
to have metal detectors, we've got to have
experienced cops-- I don't care if they're retired
or they're still cops-- working in the schools, and we've got to be able
to have perimeter controls. Wait, wait, wait.
Is she
still speaking about schools? 'Cause it sounds like she-she
wants to build a compound in The Walking Dead. "Protect the kids. Build
a perimeter around the wall! I need them dead now!" So her idea
is don't touch guns-- just turn the school
into a fortress. Yeah.
And, hey, wh-why stop with cops
and perimeter controls? Why not post snipers
on the roof? Yeah. Dig a moat. Fill it
with gun-eating sharks. Yeah.
Stick the heads of
other school shooters on spikes outside the school
to deter another attack! But, I don't know, that-that
seems like a crazy idea. You can't have a school
with snipers and armed guards patrolling the perimeter. No, apparently, we need
those guns in the classroom. We should start thinking
about arming teachers.
A minimum of six to eight
teachers and administrators who are trained
in the use of firearms. It's an issue
of not enough superior firepower to stop these killers. So now you want teachers
to have guns. Like, my teacher didn't even
know who was talking in class.
Now you want to trust them
to shoot the right kid? Think about it, how many times
did your teacher yell at the kid next to the kid
who was talking? Huh? Like, one time, my teacher tried
to hit one of the kids with a blackboard eraser,
missed completely, and hit the kid next to him. You want to give
those people guns? These ideas are so absurd. It's like a game show host
walked into Fox News and just said, uh,
"The next category is Worst Ways to Solve
Gun Violence. Go!" Like, it might be kind of fun
to live in their world, you know,
when you think about it.
Like, it's a world free
of embarrassment. No idea is too ridiculous. 'Cause I've-I've got tons
of those ideas. In fact, I'll-I'll give you one
right now.
All right, so, look, the problem
is school shootings, right? So let's just get rid
of the schools. Yeah. Stick with me.
Stick with me, people. You can't school-shoot
without a school! Everyone gets homeschooled-- that way,
no one can shoot their friends, because homeschooled kids
don't have any friends.
Problem solved. (Cheering and applause) Actually, uh... That was kind of fun. Yeah.
All right. All right, Fox News,
it's your turn again. -Self-defense classes are
the best thing for a kid. -Okay.
So it's time that we actually
think about this rationally and go, "How do you improve upon
this?" Well, you train them. Learning combat,
learning hand-to-hand combat. Hand-to-hand combat? Does this guy know
what a gun is? You see, it's only hand-to-hand if both people agree
to use their hands. Hand-to-hand combat
will only help you if the other person isn't armed or if their weapon of choice
is a wooden board.
Like, "Relax, everyone, "I've trained
for this very specific moment. Come here! Hi-yah!" These ideas
are just priceless, man. Ah! That gives me another one. All right, I got it.
I got a few complaints
about my homeschooling idea, so scratch that.
We keep the schools and equip them
with huge super magnets, right? Then, when a shooting starts, a teacher presses a button and the magnet
grabs everything metallic. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we'll lose
a few kids with braces, but... That's the price of freedom! (Cheering and applause) Now, look, look, the truth is we can't blame people on Fox for
coming up with ridiculous ideas.
Right? It's not their job
to be responsible or even solve problems at all. So they can just shut up
and dribble. Solving problems
is the job of Congress. Or at least I thought it was until Florida Senator
Marco Rubio schooled all of us.
Someone's decided
I'm going to commit this crime, they'll find a way
to get the gun to do it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't
have a law that makes it harder. It just means understand,
to be honest, it isn't going stop this
from happening. Ah.
Nothing inspires
more confidence than a lawmaker who doesn't
believe in the power of laws. Yeah, it's like
your pastor saying, "Hey, man,
I would pray for your cancer, "but, I mean, who knows
if this shit really works? (Laughing):
I don't... I don't know." (Laughter) And by the way, it's weird how
Marco Rubio is super confident in laws and their power
when it comes to restricting drugs
and terrorism and abortion and literally everything else, and it's only
when it comes to guns that these people suddenly
become all Zen. "Look, man, if the universe
wants it to happen, "it's gonna happen, man.
Yeah, we're all just flowing
down the river of time." (Laughter) So another mass shooting, and
we're in exactly the same place. Don't talk about the guns and
don't bother changing the laws. It feels like nothing's
ever gonna change, except this time,
there was one big difference-- those meddling kids. Six days after the school
massacre in Parkland, Florida, the nation's youth
are seizing the megaphone.
They are demanding changes
to America's gun laws. WOMAN: On Tuesday, students meet
with state lawmakers in Tallahassee, and from there,
prepare for rallies this week in Parkland, Florida, and across the country
next month, including a march
on Washington. It has to be more difficult
for somebody who is mentally ill and disabled like him
to acquire weapons of mass... Weapons like an AR-15.
We don't want to disarm America. We want to make America have
to work for their weapons. A 19-year-old who can't purchase
an alcoholic beverage should not be allowed
to purchase an AR-15. They say that tougher gun laws
do not decrease gun violence.
We call B.S.! Goddamn, these kids are not
messing around! Wow! Yeah! (Cheers and applause) I mean... This also just goes to show how
upside down everything becomes when guns are involved. Like, now,
kids are acting like adults, and adults are acting
like children, cause you've got senators like,
"You're taking my favorite toys! This is so unfair!" And the kids are like,
"You can't have them if you're not responsible enough
to handle them!" -"I hate you!"
-(Applause and cheering) "You're not even
my real founding father! I hate you!" You know,
these kids are inspirational. They're doing town halls,
they're marching on Congress, all while mourning the loss
of their fellow schoolmates.
So what they may lack
in experience, they seem to be making up for
with sharp moral clarity. And I know some people think
"They're just kids. Can they really
make a difference?" Well, think of it this way. Their generation found a way to
make it cool to eat Tide pods.
(Laughter) So there's nothing
they can't do..
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