(Smooth jazz music) - Hey baby. - Um, hi. - What's up, beautiful. - Watching TV, smiley money face? (Laughter from audience) HBU? - Jacking off.
(Laughter from audience) - Oh, okay. - Wanna help? - No. (Laughs)
(laughter from audience) - Talk dirty. - No.
- Please.
(Laughter from audience) - Shut up. - Why? Sorry that wasn't me on my account, that was my idiotic friend. (Laughter from audience) I wanna cream you. (Loud laughter from audience) - I was thinking if I can
lick your pussy please? - No, now leave.
- What's wrong with girls now days, they all "turing" out to be lesbians. (Laughter from audience) - Yes, we are all lesbians now. - Knock knock. - Who's there? - Kenya.
- Kenya who? - Kenya wrap those titties around my cock? (Laughter from audience) - How are you? - Good, how bout you? - Good, tired but no reason to be. - Are you good with kids? - Totally, I want to be a pediatrician so I kinda have to be, why? - 'Cause I'm gonna turn
your mouth into a daycare. (Pained groans from crowd) - Do you think you can
ride a mechanical bull? - Um, yes, is this a trick question? - Haha, do you think you can ride my face like you would a mechanical bull? Sorry, that was my cousin. (Laughter from audience) He thinks it's funny to send
funny and cheesy pickup lines, I find it easier and more
rewarding to just be, you know, nice and be myself
just to get to know you.
Smiley face. (Laughter from audience) - [Audience Member] All right. - But yeah, smiley face, Chicago rules. (Laughter from audience)
Cuddles? - Food coma cuddles are the best.
- Yes please. - I just bought a "Hail
Satan and Eat Pizza" shirt. Oops!
- Hahahahaha! (Laughter from audience) - Shit, now I want pizza! - Haha, and anal. (Loud laughter from audience) - Hello, I know it's late and all and you probably don't remember me.
You sold me your math textbook on campus a few weeks ago and I kept your number because you seem really nice. - Um, thank you, but it is strange. - I know, I know, but give it a chance. Also I think you're really
beautiful and the pins on your backpack indicate
we have similar interests! (Laughter from audience) Let's get coffee tomorrow
and catch a movie.
- Look, I don't know you. Plus, I'm already seeing someone. But, thank you though. - Bullshit.
(Laughter from audience) You're not seeing anyone
because any man would not have let you out of the house
lookin' the way you did. (Laughter and groans from audience) Me, I'm a nice guy. (Laughter from audience) A gentle, intellectual soul who would only have a lady's best interest at heart. I would make sure you were
cared for and protected.
- Woah, I'm done here. Don't contact me again. - Oh, you're done here? No, I am "dome" here. (Loud laughter from audience) You're a real cunt, a
demented one at that.
Have fun with your "boyfriend"
who in all probability is just a jock fuck buddy
who's going to bed you and toss you out the daygo
piece of trash you are. (Shouts from the audience)
Whore! Oh my god! - I love this guy.
- That was very hateful. - Hey cutie. - What's up to? - What are you doin'? - Going to Target, you? - Wanna get stuffed by five dudes? (Laughter from audience)
- What the fuck? - Let's get pizza! - If by pizza, you mean
butt stuff, I'm down.
(Laughter from audience) - You up? - Yeah. - Oh lawl, I was gonna ask for
some advice but fell asleep. - I did too, still need some advice? - Depends on what you're doing. - I'm at urgent care right now.
(Groans and laughter from audience) - Oh, how come? - Ear infection, I got it from swimming. Got meds on Monday but for
some reason it's worse. - Oh, sad face. I'm sorry, the "advice" needs
private attention, lawl.
(Laughter from audience) - Okay, they're prescribing
me some numbing eardrops. I'll talk to you later
when I'm not in pain. - I have work until two A.M. Lawl, would you mind if
I showed you my problem? - Sure.
- I mean, if not that's cool. - Depends on what your problem is, if it's a boner then no. Was it gonna be your penis? - Yes, sorry. (Laughter and clapping from audience) - Hey, how are you? - Hey, I'm fine thanks, and you? - Yes, not bad.
I'd love to spray my sperm in your face. (Pained laughter from audience) - You like Indian food? Two in the furry one in the curry. (Shocked laughter from audience) - What does that even mean? - I would love to show you. - Ew.
- Sorry, my friends grabbed
my phone at Sunday funday. (Laughter from audience) I just read what they wrote. - Oh, your fuckin' friends, man. - Do you like imagine dragons? - Still yes, why? (Bursts into laughter) (laughter from audience) - Imagine me draggin' my
balls across your face.
(Laughter and clapping from audience) - What the hell is wrong with you? - I'm sorry. - What, who told you that? - The Internet. (Laughter from audience) - Hey want to sex chat 'cause
first I wanna come over to your house and put my
hands around your neck and start kissing you and
let our tongues do its magic. (Laughter from audience) You jump up and wrap your legs around me, "than" I close the door from behind, pick you up and, - Um, my fish died a
few days ago, sad face.
- Really that sucks, how, why? (Laughter from audience) - My mom was cleaning her
tank and while she was in the bathroom, a cat snuck
into the bathroom and ate her. - No way, that's fucked up. (Laughter from audience) - Yeah, it sucks. I was gonna put her in a pond outside to see how big she would grow.
She was huge for being a simple goldfish. - Oh, so you going to buy another one? - Probably, I'd love to
put the tank in my room and raise another one, smiley. Anyway, I gotta go to bed, it's late, have a good night. - You too, bye.
(Laughter from audience) - Yo. - Ay. - What's up? - Getting ready for the game, haha. I have to be at the
stadium in a few hours.
- Tryin' get a pregame fuck in? (Laughter from audience) I've heard it's good luck. - Your bio though. - The Incredibles. (Laughter from audience) I would love to put Mr.
Incredible cock in your pristine Elastigirl pussy. (Laughter from audience) What? - If you were one of
the three little pigs, and I was the big bad wolf, instead of blowing down your house, I would just blow you kisses, or whatever. (Laughter from audience) - That's so sweet. - It's so nice.
- Would you fuck with me for 100 pounds? - Here we go again. - 'Til you accept. - I accepted twice before,
as I'm sure you know. Do you know Sasha Grey? - No, why? - She's a porn star turned actress.
She read out our conversation
from the first time I agreed to fuck with
you for a 100 pounds. It got 4 million views. Our conversation was
also posted on Buzzfeed, LAD Bible, Distractify,
Upworthy, Cosmopolitan magazine and the Metro, did you know? - Lawl, no. - If you're interested,
the YouTube video is here, HTTP, slash, colon, backslash.
(Laughter) Our conversation is at
seven minutes, 30 seconds. They changed the currency and
locations to protect privacy. What do you think about it? - Lawl, nothing. (Laughter from audience) - Really? - It was just a question.
- Well it wasn't just a question, it was you soliciting sex for money. You owe me 200 pounds, by the way. - What do you do at the amphitheater? - Ticket taking, ushering,
anything that needs to be done, to be honest. - That is so neat.
(Chuckles from audience) Are you into hardcore ass play? (Loud laughter from audience) - [Audience Member] No is fine. - She doesn't say anything! - [Audience Member] Could you believe it? - We should hang out
"togather", smiley face. Hey wanna hang out right now? - I'm in bed sick. - Still sick? (Exaggerated groan) Let me come and give you a massage.
- Haha, no I'm okay. - C'mon, hun. - Does this ever work for you? (Laughter from audience) - Does being a fat pig ever work for you? (Loud laughter from audience) - Totally. - That's good, stay
single and get used to it.
(Groans from audience) Hey wanna grab a coffee? (Laughter from audience) - Hi, my name's Tom. I'm a professional pipe cleaner. I use an eight and 1/2 inch rod with the girth of a baby's arm to hit them hard to reach hot spots. If you need your pipes
cleaned like you have never experienced before, I'm your man.
Did I mention I'm all for
women's rights, smiley face? - You literally just compared
your penis to a baby's arm. - Huh, I was talking
about my pipe cleaner. (Laughter from audience) - Penis in the sky. - Oh yeah? - Penis in your eye.
(Chuckles from audience) - And then? - Penis make you cry.
- Amazing. - Penis make you die. (Laughter from audience) - Yikes. - The end.
(Loud clapping) (energetic thumping bass).
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