Speaking
of cover-ups-- this guy? This guy (bleep). WOMAN: According to this
just-released report in The New Yorker,
media company AMI, which owns
the National Enquirer, paid a doorman, Dino Sajudin,
who worked at Trump Tower, $30,000 to sign
a nondisclosure agreement after he offered the company
a salacious story about the then-candidate Trump
during the 2016 election. The story being that he knew that Donald Trump had fathered
a child with a former employee. Oh, snap! (Chanting):
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Trump might have a secret kid? I bet everyone who doesn't know their father
right now is panicking.
(Laughter) Yeah, they're phoning
their moms like, "Tell me it wasn't him, Mom!
Tell me it wasn't him! "Tell me it was a crackhead! Tell me
I have crackhead blood, Mama." Every week we seem to find out
that someone else got money to keep quiet
about one of Trump's affairs. Like, at this point,
it's almost like his dong has its own economy,
you know? Yeah, like, a GDP--
a gross domestic penis. That's what
it feels like right now. I mean, think about it.
Everyone's getting paid--
doormen, porn stars, lawyers. At this point, I'm worried that if Trump stops cheating
on Melania, the stock market'll crash. There's gonna be
another recession. And now, everyone...
Everyone in this story is talking about
whether these payoffs constitute illegal
campaign contributions.
That's why it's big news. But for me,
there's a bigger story here. You realize if you were born
in the 1980s, you might be
Donald Trump's child. Yeah.
You could be in line to inherit
billions of dollars in debt. (Laughter) Yeah, in fact, I-I was a child
born in the 1980s. Oh, my gosh! It's me. (Laughter) Papa Donald? (Laughter) I always felt...
I always felt
like there was something, something connecting
the two of us. So similar, folks.
Everyone said it. (Speaking like Trump):
I can see it now. I'll show you
my birth certificate.
But let's move on. (Cheers and applause) Let's move on
from the big news of the week to how we all get the big news
of the week-- Facebook. In the wake of
the Cambridge Analytica scandal, Congress had questions about how Facebook gathers
and shares user data, and whether government
regulation might be needed to keep them in check. So, they called in Facebook CEO.
And less-charismatic Rain Man,
Mark Zuckerberg for two days of hearings involving 44 senators,
55 representatives and a dazzling array
of facial expressions. Look at all those different
facial expressions. Look at that. So hu-man.
And these long hearings
can be grueling, which is maybe why Zuckerberg brought an extra cushion
with him to sit there. Look at that.
That is so cute. Aw, man. You got to protect
your Silicon Valley, -you know what I mean?
-(Laughter) And now, and now,
some of the congresspeople seem to have done
their homework, but even when they did,
they still didn't seem to know how to ask the right questions.
What was Facemash?
And is it still up and running? You put up pictures of two women and decide which one
was the better... More attractive of the two,
is that right? I'm communicating with
my friends on Facebook and... Indicate that, uh... I love
a certain kind of chocolate.
Let's say I'm e-mailing about
Black Panther within WhatsApp, do I get a WhatsA... Do I get
a Black Panther banner ad? Okay. First of all,
you don't e-mail in WhatsApp. -(Laughter)
-That's like saying, "I'll DM you
from my fax machine." Second of all, who's e-mailing
about Black Panther? Like, what are you
writing about? "To whom it may concern:
Is this your king?! "Is this your king?! Kind regards, Killmonger." Now, to be fair, to be fair, some lawmakers did know
what questions to ask, and that's when Zuckerberg suddenly became the person who
didn't know how Facebook works.
There have been reports
that Facebook can track a user's Internet
browsing activity even after that user has logged
off of the Facebook platform. Can you confirm whether or not
this is true? Um, Senator... I-I want to make sure
I get this accurate, so it would probably be better
to have my team follow up... So you don't know? If they choose
to delete their account, how long do you keep their data? I don't know the answer to that
off the top of my head.
I do not have
that information... With me. Senator, I don't know. Congresswoman...
I don't remember if we had a financial penalty.
You're the CEO of the company... I'm not... I'm not sure
of the answer to that question. Is it just me, or does
Mark Zuckerberg sound like he was coached by Siri? So like, "I'm sorry,
I don't know the answer to that.
But here are five
Chinese restaurants nearby." That's not what
I was searching for! Like, I'm not saying
he should have the answer to every question, but I think
it's a little strange that the guy who bragged
for years about being a genius suddenly doesn't know
where the "like" button is. You know? It's like Zuckerberg's
trying to pull a reverse Keyser Sze. He started out smart,
and then now he's in trouble, and he's trying to limp
at the end. It's like, "Dude, we saw you.
We know you're smart." And while there are many things
Mark Zuckerberg didn't know, there was one thing
he was sure about: he was very, very sorry.
We didn't take
a broad enough view of our responsibility,
and that was a big mistake. It was my mistake,
and I'm sorry. It sounds like we made
a mistake there, and I apologize for that. In retrospect, it was a mistake.
We have made a lot of mistakes
in running the company. It was my mistake,
and I'm sorry. "I'm a human, and I'm sorry." You know,
I just realized something. This is the first time in a year
we've seen a man apologizing for something
and it wasn't sexual harassment.
Yeah. Progress.
This is progress, people. -(Cheering, applause)
-Look at you, Zuck. And now, if you started this
week thinking that Washington was going to punish Facebook
for how they treated our data, then I'm sorry-- because, by the looks of it,
even Congress doesn't believe that they can take on Facebook.
Now, here's what's gonna happen. There are gonna be a whole bunch
of bills introduced... To regulate Facebook. It's up to you
whether they pass or not.
You can go back home... Uh, spend $10 million
on lobbyists and fight us, or you can go back home... And help us solve this problem. -What?
-(Laughter) So all it takes to beat Congress
is $10 million? That's nothing.
Mark Zuckerberg spends that
on his laughing lessons. He's like, "Moo"? "No, it's 'ha-ha.'
Try again, Mark." "Woof"?
"No, it's 'ha-ha.'" What Senator Kenny...
Kennedy said there is both depressing
and refreshingly honest at the same time. Like, he knows
that lobbyists rule Washington, and Facebook can afford
a shit-ton of lobbyists. So all lawmakers
can really do is just chastise Facebook publicly
and then ask them nicely to go and think
about what they've done.
That's all they can do.
Basically, Congress has to deal with big corporations
the way rich white people punish their kids--
they just got to be like, "Young man, there's gonna be
consequences for this. "Now, you go
to one of your bedrooms "and figure out what
the consequences should be! "And give me your iPhone!
Here's the newer one. Go away." So after ten hours
of questioning, all Congress got was non-answers
and robo-sorries. And while those apologies
might have seemed worthless, the stock market disagreed.
Because once it became clear
that Congress wasn't planning to do anything
to regulate Facebook, the company's stock
went up so much that Zuckerberg's net worth
rose by $3 billion in just the first day
of testimony. Yeah. $3 Billion. That works out to about
$10 million a minute.
Just for testifying in Congress. So I guess what I'm saying is, Congress, if you need me
to testify for some shit... (Laughter, applause) ...I don't know what I did,
but I'm sorry..
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